The Smartest Thing You Have Read All Week

Guess what this one’s full of? Nothing useful.

Enjoy.

The Pope (and I have gone this far without memorizing his ridiculously long name and I’ll be damned if I’m going to start now) has decided to stop being the Pope for Lent. Good for him. Or Him. I don’t know if I am still supposed to capitalize his pronoun.

The State of the Union address is happening as I write this. It is absolutely delightful to watch how partisan the vigorous clapping/astoundingly begrudging non-clapping of our elected officials is. Gives me a heaping helping of non-hope for any resolution to pertinent issues in the foreseeable future.

Speaking of non-hope, the sequester is coming! Which is a whole lot like the zombie apocalypse, except it is actually imminent and no amount of ammunition hoarding nor e-mailing your senator can stop it. We are actually going to have to consider our country’s financial future in a pragmatic and realistic way.

OR WE CAN TOTALLY JUST KICK THE DUE DATE DOWN THE ROAD BY A FEW MONTHS AND BUY A BUNCH OF CHAMPAGNE FROM OUR ARTIFICIAL STOCK MARKET GAINS!!! WOOOOOOT!!!!!! PROCRASTINATION IS THE BEST!!!!!

I am not joking in the slightest. We the People are so screwed.

Monopoly is replacing the iron token with a cat, finally buckling and appealing to their primary consumer base of cat people who play Monopoly with their cats and always let Mittens win. Because Mittens is the cutest huggin’ wumfy little snuggle bear of them ALL.

North Korea fired a nuclear missile recently. Didn’t hurt anyone, but boy oh boy did it piss everyone off. Potentially including China. And if you make China angry, man, you’ve got some low standards. I’m saying you have people that have participated in some messed up stuff in response to their one child policy (and I’m not going to mention it but you know exactly what I am talking about) and THEY are mad at you? Seriously North Korea. Re-think your decisions in life. Damn.

The Grammy’s happened. I didn’t care either. I hear Chris Brown was rude. I’m not even sure if I am supposed to put an apostrophe in Grammy’s but I’m too lazy to check. Makes me think someone’s grandma started the whole fiasco.

The Die Hard series has barfed up another episode called a Good Day to Die, which Bruce Willis’ career probably should.

The Super Bowl suffered a surprise power outage. Oh noes! We should totally criticize and draw negative attention to a part of our country that single-handedly withstood a hurricane of historic proportions without proper federal support! Despite the fact that these brave and resilient folks have rebuilt their lives from the ashes of what once was, we should mock and bitch at these people who delayed our big game for 34 minutes which we spent catching up with the drunk people we were (at that time) hanging out with. They should seriously feel bad. Damn Cajuns.

Wrestling has been officially pulled from the 2020 Olympics. So if you want to see two sweaty guys grappling on TV you’re just going to have to subscribe to the pay channels like the rest of us.

I hear the Northeast is snowy. I think about these things whilst tanning outside. Sucks for them.

Lean Cuisine apparently had glass shards in some of their meals, which tosses an ironically humorous spin on every person who resolved to lose weight this year. You want to be healthy? Bleeding esophagus for you!!!

Rates went up. I don’t have the energy to justify my statement. Just do me a favor and be afraid. And refinance out of that fear. For me. And my baby.