Let's start this one with America's most urgent question: are you coming out to Tim's Wine Market on Orange Ave. on Thursday 12/12 evening to join me for my holiday party? Because if not, I sincerely hope that your favorite band surprises you with a love song they wrote exclusively for you while that one celebrity you super-duper want to get with strolls out from behind the world's largest chocolate fondue fountain with a rose in his/her teeth then whispers "I've wanted you for so long" in your ear while handing you tomorrow's winning lottery ticket.
Because that is literally the only thing better than hanging out with me at Tim's. Literally.
A nuclear accord was reached between Iran and essentially everyone else recently. I seriously thought that the media would have made a bigger deal out of this, but no. Good news doesn't sell advertising space.
Tokyo has been awarded the 2020 Olympic Games. For the very VERY few of you that know what I'm about to say, Akira is coming true. #WeddingGiftForTJ
"What does the fox say?" was a thing. That doesn't necessarily bode well for our society. I guess it's our dumb answer to "Gangham Style". But technically we participated in that too.
Jean Claude Van-Damme did a split between two moving Volvo trucks to demonstrate how awesome Volvo trucks are at not killing idiots who do stunts in order to save their careers because they are aging action movie stars who didn't make the "Expendables" cut. But it was still a pretty wicked split.
Amazon has launched a new branch of their business intended to use helicopter drones to deliver packages bought on the internet. They're calling it SkyNet.
In light of BitCoin's success, I am coming out with a currency of my own: GregBucks. For the low, low price of $50 USD per GregBuck, you can be the proud owner of a made up currency that will likely also be banned from Chinese transactions. Soon thereafter I will be releasing G-Cheddah which will work on a similar concept only this one is exclusively for the purchase of guns, drugs, alcohol, bling and other awesome gangsta-related merchandise. Word. Also probably not okay with the Chinese.
Pope Francis has earned Time Magazine's 'Person of the Year' award, and I fully support that decision. This guy has taken his newfound Popelitude/Popeliness/Popeosity and has launched a full frontal assault on all corruption, rigidity and inaccessibility of Catholicism. Given that the last pope just kinda sat there waving and had increasingly sunken eyes, this is a huge step forward for the Catholic faith.
Someone audited the Pentagon and discovered that there's 8.5 trillion (or $8,500,000,000,000.00) in un-accounted-for funds since 1996 (the last time they got audited). That seems cool. I mean, military stuff needs some Jason Bourne kind of crap that happens off the books. I get it. Lots of fun crazy people with guns running about. Makes sense to me. Yaaaaaay America's tax dollars at work.
Nelson Mandela died. That's no fun. He was a good dude. Then Kanye West came out and said that he will (I kid you not, he definitely said this) soon be a bigger cultural and civil rights icon than Nelson Mandela. Then a herd of lions sent by an angel ripped him asunder in a bloody spectacle while everyone within eyeshot cheered.
I made up that last sentence but if the universe had any semblance of justice in it, that's how it would have ended. Kanye West sucks.
The post of Fed Chairman will soon be filled by a Fed Chairladyfolk. Janet Yellen is the next in line for the top spot concerning monetary policy in the United States. She is seasoned, aggressive and prepared to take on the massive task of unwinding the extreme policies that brought the global economy to the brink of disaster. Some chick is taking over General Motors as well. Good on you, gals. Way to earn that 75% of your male contemporaries' pay.
Housing statistics have shown incredible volatility, causing all the news networks to have "Has the Housing Market Lost its Luster" and "Holy Mother of Everything Holy, Sell Your Children and Tiny Dogs and Spare Kidneys and Invest Everything in Real Estate AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" headlines back to back. Makes for confusing times. But real estate is actually doing pretty good lately. Rising rates (yup, the general trajectory is still up) aren't really crimping home price appreciation too badly.
Speaking of rising rates, in my humble but accurate opinion the whole phenomenon is all a big over-exaggeration of the impact that the 'tapering' back of the government's present bond-buying program will have. Let's be clear: rates need to go up. Bond prices at present levels aren't a good thing long-term for raising profitable debt. But the extraordinary measures utilized to drag us back from the precipice of international catastrophe are not easily unwound, nor will their removal be akin to ripping the band-aid off. It's going to be slow. And the market is reacting as if it's going to be fast. And we're getting ahead of ourselves.
Completely separate from that is the institution of "QM" rules (standing for qualified mortgages) that are going into place at the beginning of 2014. While these regulations are aimed at simultaneously reducing the risk of newly originated loans while shielding banks from liability, the bottom-line effect is that guidelines on loans that qualify for these new standards are going to tighten up. Until the bomb drops, no one has a damn clue as to how good/bad it's going to be. Stay tuned.
So the ObamaCare website's rollout was basically the worst case scenario. Impressively awful. Fox News was 100% correct on something for once. Let the right-wing drink deeply of this failure. Considering this is likely going to become some gigantic issue shortly (after all the sugar-plums and champagne have digested and 2014 rears its ugly head) I will save it for later.
The NSA has come under quite a bit of scrutiny since the whole Edward Snowden "thing". Well, as it turns out, every guy's nightmare is true: the NSA has been watching you while you watch porn. A bunch of guys have come forward stating that the NSA has blackmailed them by threatening to release their web browser history in order to discredit any radical views they may have. So consider this a warning fellas: the next time you're feeling lonely could be the undoing of your grand plan to promote Cthulhu's rebirth.
J.P.Morgan made the huge mistake of having an open forum discussion after their involvement with the IPO of Twitter. The plan was to attract young commenters and have a discussion about the present job market. What actually came were young commenters who wanted the big bank to know how badly they were hated. My four favorite comments are as follows:
#4: Trophy wives: worth it or too big of a headache?
#3: What will next Thursday's LIBOR rate be?
#2: How much blood do your executives consume on a monthly basis?
#1: Does the sleaze wash off with a regular shower or do you have to use something special like babies' tears?
Congress may actually have a budget proposal together that will make us not argue about it for two years. Fingers crossed.
You’ve been good to me this year. I appreciate it. I hope each and every one of you close this year out just how you want to. You deserve it. Happy 2013, y’all.
