Well, Mitt has officially donned the red sash of the conservative presidential candidacy with a few handy and decisive state wins. I honestly couldn’t tell you which states he won in order to cinch the nomination, and I honestly couldn’t tell you whether or not Newt Gingrich understands that he’s no longer in the race. I imagine Newt is reciting his acceptance speech over and over into the mirror right now while smearing lipstick all over his face/head/neck. He’s a weird, self-delusional dude is what I’m getting at.
Media outlets have already joygasmed and kicked their partisanship quotients up to 1000%. Literally two channels from apart one another (I have Bright House, so I’ll let you guess which channels I’m referring to) I heard one claim that America was on a crash-course with financial collapse if we don’t radically change course and the other claim that America was on a crash-course with financial collapse if we deviate from the path we are on. My vote is that half of the country should secede. Then we can try both methods and figure out who the winner is via civil war. I’m sure that will be an efficient method of reconciling our differences.
All of this is extra awesome because Ben Bernanke (our lovable, huggable Federal Reserve Chairman) and representatives from the European Central Bank (whose names I can’t pronounce) have stepped up their rhetoric and declared that politicians need to get their fiscal policies straight. Because monetary policy can only go so far towards propping up our sagging global economy.
Half of you are wishing that you actually stayed awake in macroeconomics 101 right now so you would get what I was saying. The other half of you enjoyed the daily nap. I love all of you equally.
These comments are in no way ambiguous about addressing the so-called ‘fiscal cliff’ our country faces at the tail end of this year when the Bush Tax Cuts expire. Clearly now is not the ideal time to vacuum cash out of our communal pockets via tax hikes. However, it does offer a fun battleground for fiscal conservatives and liberals to brandish their parties’ respective platforms concerning the distribution of tax burden in an impotent attempt to appeal to their voter bases and ensure their own job security at the cost of politically deadlocking us all into oblivion. It’s like having a rocking chair: gives you something to do but doesn’t get you anywhere.
And we just eat that crap up like it’s caviar. Sad, when you think about it. Thankfully, we’re not thrillingly proficient at thinking about much beyond how much we like/dislike the new Angry Bird that freezes everything he hits. I think he’s overrated. And he doesn’t stand on the ideals our forefathers shed blood for. BOOM. I’m pretty sure that’s the first political joke involving Angry Birds that you’ve ever read. WINNING.
Speaking of unintelligible macroeconomic happenings, China went ahead and cut their tightly regulated benchmark interest rate by .25% in a shock-and-awe move. This is coming on the heels of an equally shocking weak American jobs report. The much-anticipated Greek elections have come and gone while apparently accomplishing very little towards reassuring global markets of their future solvency. So, to summarize, a bunch of stuff happened and essentially nothing has changed. That is all.
Pakistan suddenly decided they don’t want U.S. drone strikes in their country. Yeah, totally cool. We get it. We don’t want to impose or anything. You guys definitely have done a terrific job of not im-posing on us. And not accepting billions in international aid funding from us. And not knowingly harboring terrorists in a thinly guised anti-American plot against us. Yeah. We’ll just pack up our toys and go home. It’s been a super-fun visit. You guys take care.
Mortgage rates? Good Lord. I know that all of us in the world of finance have been blabbing on about super-low rates and how they can’t get any lower. And every time we’ve hit rock bottom it seems like someone just throws us a jackhammer and on-down we go. They’re down there. Refinance something. Or buy something. Tell your buddies and your family and your grocery store manager to refinance or buy something.
And finance it though Greg Whiteside. Because he’s a swell guy.
