Oh the cornucopia of crap that creation has consigned upon me to collate and convey to you, my very own congregation of cohorts craving critical cognizance of current cultural circumstance.
Yes, I have been playing Words With Friends. A lot of it. And if the Count were here, he would tell you that today’s newsletter is brought to you by the letter C and the number zero.
Why zero? Because it segues quite conveniently (Yay! Another long C-word!) into our most recent jobs report. We, as a country, created EXACTLY zero jobs! Now the glass-half-full sort will doubtlessly applaud the fact that we didn’t lose any jobs, but sadly they cannot afford to even half-fill their glasses. Sad, though amusingly ironic.
But in all seriousness, we suck out loud on the creating jobs front. To the point where all of political punditry is up in arms about job creation. Obama himself is pegged to give a speech about it tomorrow to both houses of Congress. You’ll watch it. Or you won’t. Statistically speaking: you won’t. Chances are I won’t either. But I will read what someone else writes about it and report back to you. Because original thought is massively overrated.
It’s amazing how broke everyone seems to be lately. Not on the you and me scale, but on the iconic institutional scale. Apparently, not only is Europe still broke (which continues to be a really big deal, I’m just bored of writing about it), but the United States Postal Service is also broke. Given the fact that e-mail is way awesomer, I am in no way surprised. I vote that we the taxpayers bail them out if and only if they stop all the junk mail from coming through.
The horrible truth is that the exact opposite of that solution is what will probably do some actual good. Ugh.
Speaking of broke, America’s obvious brokenness has driven us to a very Mafioso decision: we’re gonna let all the big banks off the hook for auto-foreclosing on people in exchange for a large cash settlement. Funny story really: these banks used computer models to write a bunch of insolvent loans and then used other computers to automatically sign paperwork (which probably should have been signed by a human being, or at least some sort of advanced primate) that foreclosed on these loans. Classy. And somehow they’re in trouble for this. However, that trouble can disappear if they pay us. ‘Merica.
Hurricane Irene was lame. But everyone in Florida knew it would be. Stupid over-reacty New Yorkers. And speaking of natural disasters, everything is bigger in Texas including massive house-consuming wildfires. BOOM, Texans. Turned your catch phrase against you, didn’t I? I will also lump into this category the natural disaster of Steve Jobs stepping down as CEO of Apple. My iPhone will never be the same now. All the Angry Birds are now just depressed birds.
Apparently Gaddhafi is on the run, though I didn’t hear any Bush-esque “We won the war!!!” speech. So I don’t know what to think about that. Frankly, I lost interest. As did America a while ago.
The Federal Reserve is all sorts of divided on additional stimulus measures. Bernanke is of the opinion that we need to print more money, otherwise we won’t be able to afford all the ink we’re using to print all this money.
Aaaaaaaand that was the sound of your mind being blown.
Market turmoil continues to take its toll on equities. In a flight-to-safety play, bond investors drove the 10-year Treasury note’s yield to an all-time low yesterday. Translation: everyone’s freaking out and they’re driving rates down like crazy. ALL YOUR REFINANCES ARE BELONG TO GREG.
If you get the reference above, I love you. I mean, I love you anyway. But if you get that line, you are a special sort of nerd. And that’s awesome. But please do call me to discuss refinancing. ...now.
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