Avid fans of Justin Bieber (a person who is relevant to you only if you're a girl under the age of 14 or if you frequent websites targeted towards girls under the age of 14) are referred to as “Beliebers". Well I am whatever the Ben Bernanke (the head honcho of the Federal Reserve) equivalent of Belieber is. Believnankier. Yeah. I'm that. I think Ben was literally the only guy in the world with the cojones to say "Whoa guys, we need to start easing monetary policy at a borderline stupid rate NOW" and despite their initial resistance everyone else in the world followed suit within the next 24 months. He is the man. I don't doubt this in the least.
But boy oh boy is there a ruckus in the henhouse these days. Ben had the esteemed privilege (and I use that term quite sarcastically) of speaking in front of Congress to explain the state of the economy as it relates to our presently super-loose monetary policies. Sadly, a combination of understandable ambiguity in Ben's speech and the release of the minutes of the previous Fed meeting (revealing that many Fed governors have been considering unwinding the bond-buying program that has been facilitating these crazy-low interest rates as soon as July) provided just enough catalyst for everyone to panic and haul ass towards the bomb shelters.
The screwy thing is that the dissenting Fed governors may not be too far from the truth. Although inflation has remained contained (which would be the first thing hawkish governors would jump on) job growth, while not outstanding, has been trending up. GDP isn't too shabby compared to other developed nations. Home price growth is starting to roar back into relevance. All good reasons to see if this fighter can keep punching without its government-issued steroids.
Here's the problem: the folks that assured us that they wouldn't screw with the programs that are keeping rates low and money easy are suddenly changing course. Without any warning. That doesn't do a hell of a lot of good for the confidence global investors have in the "promises" our governmental officials make. And without confidence, baby, we got nothing.
What does that mean at the ground level? Every violation of global confidence is going to drive our interest rates up. Between that and the general consensus by most financial analysts that rates are rising this year, I have all I need to be pretty concerned about any of you that are thinking about refinancing and haven't gotten things moving yet. Nowadays, time is quite literally money.
Internationally, we are reaffirming our clear moral preeminence in the global landscape by our humanitarian habit of force-feeding our captured (and not legally convicted, mind you) prisoners of a pretty damn ambiguous war on terror to respond to their hunger strike demanding fair trial. This process, while gruesome, requires two doctors per inmate to administer.
A unique way to create jobs. Touche, Obama. You're more gangsta' than you originally let on. Hope, change, and WE GONNA SHOVE BABY FOOD DOWN YO' THROAT THROUGH A TUBE UNTIL YOU ADMIT TO TERRORIST ACTIVITY THAT YOU MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE BEEN INVOLVED IN suckaaaaaaah. Because, you know, America cares. I can only hope its Vegan baby food. So those poor, abused cows aren't exploited anymore.
You see what I did there? I took big values and compared them humorously to small values to provide contrast. If you don't like it, go cry to your Yoga instructor. No one cares that you're Vegan. Cows are dumb and delicious.
Equities have enjoyed a solid and seemingly unshakable rally as of late. Despite multiple events that have disrupted global stock markets, ours have remained pleasantly tepid and consistently growing. Domestic companies have posted good earnings and growth potential seems widespread.
I don't have a joke for this. Stocks kinda kick ass these days. I have no clue as to how grounded this rally actually is. But for the time being, we seem to be sitting pretty compared to most others.
The IRS has decided to unnecessarily over-scrutinize fundamentalist Republican groups, most notably anything associated with the Tea Party. And, considering the problems the initial tea party caused (my chamomile tea has been over-priced due to those schmucks throwing all those boxes overboard back in the 1700's) I say that the IRS has made the right decision in isolating one social group of Americans and charging their taxes more onerously.
I am of course joking. Whoever masterminded this dumbass operation needs to be slapped across the face with a 4x4 by Charleton Heston and sat down in the infamous empty chair to be berated in front of a live studio audience for no less than a half hour. Regardless of how you feel about the issue, you will doubtlessly be amused.
On a bright note, I friggin' love this new pope that we have now. First and foremost, he publically denounced the "cult of money", referring to the international banking system and its strangle-hold on the global economy. And you have to admit, the hypocrisy of a Catholic bashing a system that vacuums money out of innocent peoples' pockets in order to create enormous buildings is pretty hilarious in and of itself. Although I suppose I can't blame him, considering the "cult" isn't predicated on the concept of salvation, just the concept of a comfortable retirement (which these days seems equally distant).
But THEN he comes out and essentially says that everyone is saved (in the Biblical sense) so long as they strive towards goodness. Pretty awesome. Uuuuuuuntil the Vatican came behind him and politely corrected the infallible voice of God by stating that, per the doctrine, non-Catholics are still pretty screwed in the afterlife department. Bummer. Looks like it's back to expecting a long stint in hell for me with, I dunno, 98% of the people reading this. At least I'll have company.
Colorado continues to pioneer new marijuana legalization horizons. Governor John Hickenlooper has recently signed into law many historic measures to implement recreational marijuana legalization, calling the law's verbiage "common sense". That's funny, considering common sense amongst stoners involves Funyuns (which are of course delicious) and Shaun White for president (which, considering his radical snowboarding career makes total sense... are you gonna eat that?... where am I again?)
And just for funsies, I'd like to point out that Kim Jong Un hasn't done a damn thing since my last newsletter (despite his mighty armaments), the Boston marathon bomber has already exited your consciousness despite his obvious craptasticness (not to mention his personal deadness and his buddies' accusedness), and my own son's bigness is super-big for a 9-month-old (which I think is totally appropriate to mention alongside the statuses of a despotic dictator and an amateur terrorist.) Liam is actually in the 90th percentile of bigness for his age. Yup. Just for fun. I got a big kid.
No comments:
Post a Comment